I am falling for him…

Its 3.45 in the morning and I am so restless. I am walking around ,pacing left and right in my hostel room itself. Like any youngster there are doubts in my mind regarding my career ,my relationships ,my friends. To be frank I am losing control of what I want to do and what I want to achieve. For the first time I am realizing that people around you can play an important role in your life. I like a guy .For some time we were together, it was nice to be close to him but for certain reasons I had to distant myself from him, from my friends as well. I secluded myself because that was required for me to have done that project successfully. I am done with the project but I have left behind the people I was with. I want him back in my life ,I want my friends back in my life. All this is bothering me. I want to go party with these people and I want my guy back in my life. I have  never been a relationship person because I cant bear any kind of restrictions in my life. I love my freedom more than anything else. Till now only random hook ups prevailed in my life.

But I am falling for this guy because he is nice. The way he talks, the way he smiles , the way he look(ed) at me everything about him. We had a great time together. A lot has changed now. when I look at him mow, I feel as if he is a stranger. I want to talk to him but I cant dare to. I want him to come and talk to me but I think I have created so many boundaries between me and him in the past that now feels that I am not interested in him.

If there is anything left between us is a mixture of two emotions .One is that of awkwardness and the other is where we just try to comprehend should we talk or not? is the other person going to respond or not? why did I do all this, I have fucked my life up ?My friends ,I am no more close to them, I remember how happy I was when I used go and party with those people but now there is nothing. I am looking for ways to get that guy back in my life ,to get my friends back in my life but I can’t afford to sound desperate so sometimes I just step back. I am taking little steps and slowly and gradually I am making my way into these people’s life .I am in no hurry but the fact that currently I am not with those people hurts. There are times when your efforts are not paid off. But its okay. I really hope that I will be able to make my life happier again .I have to keep on moving.

While I was not with the people I just spoke about ,I realized that there are so many people around who are really nice. I spoke to some of them .They wanted to be friends with me, wanted to go out with me. But I have no idea as to why I just can’t shift my focus. I did not feel like partying with these new people, I did not want to get close to them. What is wrong with me? They are such nice people still I want to say no. The fuck is wrong with me. The reluctance has grown so much. Damn. I am preferring to stay alone in my room so that I can comprehend as to what went wrong and how do I fix it. I really want to fix it. Summer placements are approaching ,I should be concentrating on those. And I am trying hard to prepare myself for the same but the very thought of the lost friends makes me restless. I am lost and confused. I want to move on .I really want to. Can I get back to my old friends ?

IIM Indore


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